It's not always easy to talk about sex...I know. But if we do not talk about it, then how can you find out things that may help you have a more fulfilling love life? I can sit here and try to sell you all the most beautiful lingerie in the world from
NaughtyandNiceLingerie.com and you can look like a Goddess, but sometimes, looks just aren't enough.
Let's face facts. Here’s what’s “normal”: adults have sex primarily when
they’re tired. This shapes the quality, content, and frequency of the
experience. Most adults save their “prime time” for things that are either, what they deem, more
important (raising their kids, working after hours, maintaining their health,
handling crises) or more reliably satisfying (watching TV, going out, sharing
hobbies, playing around on Facebook). Not having much energy is one aspect of
“normal sex” that most people don’t want. But many adults seem to believe that
most sex will inevitably take place when they’re not at their best, without
considering the consequences of this kind of sex life -- that it may become
routine (and therefore boring), not involve much time, lose its playfulness, and that using
contraception or a lubricant may seem like too much trouble.
If we think of
“normal” as common, typical, and accepted as “the way things are,” this is what
“normal sex” may actually looks like:
• Awkwardness and self-consciousness are
common.
• Communication is limited.
• Neither partner laughs or smiles much.
•
One or both partners are obsessively concerned about performance.
• One or both
are unsure what their partner likes.
• One or both tolerate what they dislike,
hoping that it will stop soon.
• Masturbation is kept secret.
• There’s
difficulty using birth control without embarrassment or conflict.
• Desire
requires a perfect environment.
• Sex is sometimes physically painful.
• He
believes that “her orgasm problem reflects on me.”
• She believes that “his
erection problem reflects on me.”
Also, whether young or old, gay or straight,
male or female, when American adults have sex, they frequently:
• Are
self-conscious or self-critical about their body
• Don’t feel as close to their
partner as they’d like
• Don’t feel confident that they’re going to have a good
time (which is why they don’t do it more frequently)
• Are concerned about
performance -- either their own or their partner’s
• Feel inhibited about
communicating what they want, don’t want, feel, or don’t feel
Health problems
are also frequently part of “normal” sex -- because normal people have health
problems. So, are you realizing that you are starting to look pretty “normal”? Are you starting to
realize this might not be the right goal? The awkwardness and emotional isolation described
above are what most people get when they try to have “normal” sex, but they are anything but. And that’s
why your vision of sex matters.
So you can see why it’s not important to be sexually “normal” and why, in fact, pursuing
“normal” sex is often destructive. Of course, by “normal” sex most people don’t
mean the reality I’ve just described, but a romanticized vision of perfect
performance, perfect environment, and nothing too novel or psychologically
challenging. The only thing normal about that kind of sex is the fact that so
many people aspire to it, and so few people have it. (And here’s a secret every
sex therapist knows: even when people get this kind of sex, they’re not
necessarily satisfied with it.) So if, like so many other people, you’ve been
pursuing the wrong thing (“normal” sex), you need a new way to think about sex.
Although most people assume it’s logical to have a performance orientation (how
many times per week, how many minutes before orgasm), that’s only one way to
look at sex. And it’s exactly the wrong way.
I do not pretend to be a sex therapist, but I know sex therapists and I have consulted with them to help me with things regarding my business and personal lifestyle. So if you need any help, or you have any questions, feel free to email me at
sales@naughtyandnicelingerie.com and I will try to help or seek someone who can help. If you want to chat here and remain anonymous, that's ok too. I will be glad to help.
Ill write a few more blogs concerning this and how true intimacy and even the use of personal pleasure items, pillows and more help with sex with your significant other. When I discuss sex, I will be discussing monogamous relationships, not one night stands or multiple partners. Not that there is anything wrong with whatever you want to do sexually, but my references will be geared towards monogamous relationships.
